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I totally forgot to tell y’all that I am publicly blogging about my pregnancy on my beauty blog Clumps of Mascara. I do weekly updates. Nothing fancy but if you’re interested in following, check it out here.

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I promise I’m not one of those people that STAY in the hospital. And you know there are people like that. Everybody has a friend or relative that coughs and then heads to the ER. Nah bro. I don’t roll like that. First of all, I’ve got the world’s worst health insurance so my trips to the ER ain’t cheap. Secondly, I’ve never been so deathly ill that I felt like I HAD to go to the flippin’ ER.

Until I got pregnant. Apparently, even minor causalities in an otherwise healthy individual can be this BIG thing if you’re pregnant. Oh. Okay.

So I’ve had this bump on my right shin for some weeks. It’s weird, yes. Painful, yes. But I figured I bumped into something and had some sort of contusion. I’m clumsy like that. These things happen. So I didn’t worry about it. Until the other day when the husband and I were chillin’ on the sofa and play fighting and he went to gently tap my leg. I screamed. I cried. And I wasn’t being dramatic. That pain from that light tap radiated throughout my body and I was sure I was ‘gon die. 

[INSERT DRAMATICS]

No, but seriously - it hurt. Lots. My husband was terrified and confused because he just knew it didn’t do anything to hurt me that seriously. He grabbed some ice to ice the bump. The bump had become blistering hot and red. It hurt like hell.

It wasn’t until the next day that I realized that the bump might be something serious. A blood clot maybe? I emailed my midwife and she promptly responded and told me to go to the Mothers and Babies hospital triage. And so we did. 

We sat in the triage for a good 3 hours. Lemme tell you something - you either need to FAKE pain or LOOK at least 8 months pregnant in a Pregnancy Triage. Because if you aren’t doing either, you ain’t gon get seen for quite some time. But wow, that hospital was beautiful. I mean….stunning. If I wanted to give birth in a hospital, I’d consider that one. 

The nurses were so so sweet and when I finally got settled in a room, they checked the baby’s heartbeat. Which literally took 6 seconds. Bean is thumpin’ right along. The ultasound man came in and confirmed what the doctor thought: I have varicose veins.

Um. Okay. I was prescribed an antibiotic and sent on my merry way.

Varicose veins are common in pregnant women. And apparently on my Mother’s side of the family too. They may go away. They may not. The antibiotic is just to fight any bacteria that may exist in said varicose vein. So I’m grateful it wasn’t anything worse but annoyed that I have to take a freaking drug. 

An antibiotic at that. An antibiotic that will likely lead to a yeast infection and whose major side effect is diarrhea. As if spewing from one side isn’t enough, ya know?

Yes, I’m complaining but it’s just trash talk really. I’ll do what I have to do to keep Bean and I healthy. 

So that’s that. Stay tuned for a glorious picture of my varicose vein.

I know…you’re excited. 

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I’ve always hated Mondays and my lovely Bean will probably hate Mondays too. How do I know this? Because all weekend, for the most part, I felt just fine. Woke up this morning with a slew of symptoms that had me wanting to just say “To hell with the work today.” 

But that ain’t an option. 

Anyway - I’ve just popped in to say hi. Remind me to tell you about this weekend and how I was in the hospital all Saturday night and threw up so much Sunday night that I lost my voice.

Seriously. Don’t forget to remind me, okay? 

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Check me ouuuuuut!!

Click HERE

I plan on doing some more writing on pregnancy sites and blogs. Only because I really enjoy documenting this journey. And I’m not starting my own pregnancy blog. I don’t think I’ll have the time.

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I felt Bean move last night. It was like a little flutter on the left side of my belly.

"Seriously B? What if it was just gas?"

It wasn’t. It was Bean. 

OH! And I did some research and found out that I can go to an ultrasound place by the time I’m 15 weeks. I thought I’d had to wait until like 20 weeks. I’m thrilled. 

Can’t wait to find out Bean’s gender. 

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I’m slippin’ on blogging up in this blog. I really want to talk about more and I usually start drafting posts and then I get distracted and forget to submit. So yeah, I will try to update more. 

2nd trimester, here I aaaaaam!! Glad to be here. 

Weight Gained: Not sure. Hopefully I’m gaining back some of the 13 lbs that I’ve lost.

Major Symptoms: Morning sickness is still around except it’s mostly in the mornings and evenings. Minor cramps. I guess that’s it….WOW! I thought for a while that I may have had a UTI. Drank cranberry juice for a few days and the dull aching and bladder pains went away. Ladies, if you’ve never had a UTI, kiss the ground because them thangs….oooooh Lord. I’ve had 2 and they are horrrrrrrible. It’s not unlikely for pregnant women to get them but I just hope that I can be UTI-free this pregnancy.

Food: Food is still hard. I’m actually eating more. I have real snacks at work. I’ve got popcorn, lactose-free cheese and crackers, more fruit and a PB&J sandwich. HUGE step from what I used to eat. Which was virtually nothing but carbs. I am very proud of myself. It’s hard training myself how to eat again. Especially with a pretty dominant gag reflex. And once I gag, the flood gates are opened….

Fears: That the babe isn’t getting enough nutrients. That does concern me a bit. 

Monumental Moment: The whole eating something other than bread, cereal and pasta thing. That’s big, y’all. You just don’t know.

Cravings: Zero. 

Boy or Girl: I still think Bean is a girl. And I’ll never tell her this but the Husband and I both want a boy. I’m the oldest of 4 girls. I’ve been around girls my entire life. I think my parents will enjoy their first grandchild being a boy since all they had were girls. Plus, as much as the husband will adore his daughter, I know he’ll be trying to knock me up again and again until he gets his boy and let’s face it, I’d like to get the hard work out of the way now. 

Thoughts: The nausea is still so up and down and I just want it to disappear. I was so dead on about eating all healthy this pregnancy but I’m starting not to care. I want the food aversions to go away so I can eat whaaaaaatever. Not that I had horrible eating habits pre-pregnancy. But still. When I want it, I’m going to eat it. Ya know…whenever I feel like eating again.  Sleeping is weird. If I go to sleep too early, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night. This happened 3 times this week. I didn’t MEAN to fall asleep. But I ended up waking up at 3am and not being able to fall asleep until like 5am. Just to wake up at 7am. This sucks. So I’m trying my hardest to not fall asleep until 10-11pm. Which, lemme tell ya, is quite the feat. A month ago, I had to have a minimum of 10 hours of sleep and now lé bod is okay with 6-7. Interestiiiiing…

Things To Do Before Next Week: Since I’m eating more, I can take more pre-natal vitamins. My current vitamin comes requires me to take FOUR pills throughout the day. Which is just stupid really. So normally I’ll take them at breakfast but then forget or be too sick in the afternoon/evening to pop ‘em again. Gotta start taking take them ALL daily.

So yeah. Now that my energy is back, I may do something gratifying like wash my hair and organize the beauty room some. Oh! And Instagram again. I haven’t even been able to LOOK at Instagram b/c of people and pictures of their food. Which sounds crazy, I know. But after seeing someone’s salad one day while scrollin’ through the ‘gram, my stomach turned on me somethin’ serious. And I never went back. I think Imma head that way again any day now…..wish me luck! 

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Okay, I feel like such a douche for talking so much trash about how “names don’t matter” in one of my previous posts. I should know better. I vigorously studied African and African-American culture and I KNOW how important names are to people of color. And people everywhere. I won’t get into the whole bit about how African Americans were given “slave names” and essentially lost their traditional African name during slavery and beyond. And I understand why African Americans name their children African names; because I do think it’s important that we hold on to a bit of our lost heritage through our children’s names, education and awareness. 

I guess what I’m saying is that while I acknowledge this, I don’t feel the need to give my children African names. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t be aware of their roots and heritage. 

That is all. I just felt like I had to explain myself because I felt just horrible about saying stuff like “Just b/c I’m Black, doesn’t mean I have to give my child a Black name.” Craziness. 

I’m blaming the pregnancy hormones for my stupidity. 

Yep. 

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Pre-pregnancy, I’ve only had 2 pets. A cat and a dog. 

The cat was a gift to my husband. He always wanted one, my coworker’s cat had kittens and so I figured it would be the perfect time to introduce pets in our lives. Bad idea. At least for me. I hated that cat. Owning a cat made me realize how much I hate them. And aside from being allergic to them, the idea of having a box of poop (litter box) just grossed me out. We mutually agreed to get rid of the cat months later because neither one of us could dedicate the time that the needy kitten needed. I was ecstatic. I realllllly don’t like cats. They are sneaky lil’ somethings and I can’t be bothered with their conditional love spells. I just can’t… Plus, cats NEED to jump on stuff and having an animal that jumps on beds, the sofa, counter tops and tables is an absolute NO NO in my house. 

1/2 a year later I woke up one day and realized that I wanted a dog. I did my research and found the perfect mix. I was picky about what kind of dog I wanted. I checked out breeds that would work with my personality. I didn’t want one of those small fu fu dogs. Can’t stand those. I found Meiko and she was 30 lbs of awsesomeness. She’s a unique looking breed (you likely won’t find a dog that looks too much like her) and she’s cute in the face. Cute dogs are a must for me and let’s face it, many dogs have faces that only their owners can love.

But anyway - we’ve had Meiko since April and things have been well. She’s well-mannered, a bit awkward but she’s obedient. Her major issue is that she can be a bit dog agressive, but through training and boarding, she’s been getting better.

Since I’ve been pregnant, though, this dog has hated my guts. I didn’t notice it right away. For one, my husband is definitely the more affectionate dog owner. He just is. While I play with her daily, feed and walk her, he spends more time with her when he works from home and so often times she gets a lot of play time with him. So she obviously loves him more. Fine. I’m not mad about that.

But lately this dog has been afraid of me. For no reason. I’ll come in the living room and she’ll run in her crate. I go in the kitchen, she’ll run under the table. Like…WTF did I do? I shouldn’t be but I’m sightly insulted by it. I did nothing to this dog. I did spank her that one time that she jumped on the sofa, but I’m sorry - I don’t play that. My husband has spanked her too and she’s still BFFs with him so I’m confused as to why she feels the need to run from me. What about my uterus expanding is freaking her out?

It’s not all the time though. Sometimes she lays at my feet when I’m at the desk. Or sits by the door while I’m in the shower. I know I haven’t been able to play with her AS much because I’ve been sick but I thought dogs were these intuitive creatures that KNOW when something is up. Shouldn’t she know I’m pregnant and be…understanding? Or am I trying to humanize an animal?

I don’t know. And I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or what but the dog can kick rocks. She doesn’t bring me joy anymore. I hate feeling like I’m some dark and scary bad guy. Yet when the husband comes home, she’s like a happy little puppy. 

I feel a silly writing about this but shoot, it’s annoying. I rescue this dog and she becomes afraid of me for no reason? That’s just so wrong yo. The sad thing is - I’ve heard stories like this: peoples’ pets hating them when they become pregnant. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. 

In other news: the nausea is definitely looking up. Significantly. It still hits me during the day and night but I can function. Food aversions are still around though so while I’m not nauseous, I still CAN’T eat much of anything. Which still sucks b/c I spend half of the day hungry and the other half filling up on carbs. Womp. 

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There’s some confusion as to WHEN the 2nd trimester really starts. Some say 12 weeks and others say 13 weeks or 14 weeks. I’m going to meet it halfway and consider the END of my 12th week to be the start of the 2nd trimester. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 1st trimester has WHOOPED me emotionally, physically and socially. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. And as I lay here on the cusp of the 1st and 2nd trimesters, I owe so much to myself. I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. And to my husband, who has supported me through every up and down. I am so blessed to have this man by my side. And then there are the friends near and far who text or email me to check on me. My Delaware sister who lets me complain and complain and says she understands. And my doulaBFF who every time I spew how much this pregnancy is ruining me, tells me how strong I am and how this will all be worth it in the end.

I’ve spent the past week being extremely grateful. 

I never understood how women accredited SOOOOO much of their development to motherhood. As a non-mother, it confused me. I’d be all like, “Oh. So you didn’t really know how strong you were until you became a mother? Really? That’s lame.”

I’m sure I’ll be biting A LOT of the judgmental statements I’ve made about motherhood. But I’m starting to understand it. I am a strong woman. I knew that before motherhood, but having to go through what I’ve been through JUST in the 1st trimester and realizing that I’m making it, well….I feel stronger. And that’s the kind of strength I don’t think I could have ever gotten from another degree, job promotion or super cool blog-type opportunity. So yah. I’m starting to see the light. 

Weight Gained: I have officially lost 13 lbs. 

Major Symptoms: Nausea, vomiting, food aversions, dizziness.

Food: Still anti-food. Fruits and bread are king. I’m not a peanut butter lover but per my midwife’s advice I’ve been eating more of it so that I can get some kind of….whatever it is peanut butter has in it that makes it good for you.

Fears: Yesterday I was a little down because everywhere I looked, I saw Moms struggling with babies. At the store, down the street…. I don’t want to loose my identity as a woman and a person and let’s face it - some people are obsessed with their kids and their kids are their life. I fear that will be me. And that’s not a BAD thing but I still want to do the things I loved to do before kids. I know time management will be tough but I don’t want to loose myself. 

Monumental Moment: There really hasn’t been any. Oh wait - I lied! I do get breaks in between the nausea. Like today, I feel fine. Yesterday was horrible and I threw up twice. At work. So instead all nausea every day, I get a day or two of respite. Which I’m grateful for but I stil want the nausea to go away completely. Oh, and I’ve been doing mild jogging with the dog. And by mild I mean only 15 minutes of jogging/speed walking but still - it’s something! 

Cravings: Yuck. 

Boy or Girl: I’ve been saying it since I’ve been preggo, Bean is a girl. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do. Oh! And I am totally obsessed with interesting 3-letter baby girl names. Lou, Rae, Zoe, Ely, Mia. I actually realllllllllly love Lou. A friend sent me a list of African inspired baby names and I didn’t like any of them. Oh. So because I’m Black, I HAVE to name my child something…”Black”? My children will know their Blackness beyond their names and it sounds horrible but we all know it’s true….I don’t want my children to have to deal with people mispronouncing their names and judging their resumes b/c they have these African-inspired names. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. If I were actually from the Motherland, I think I’d be more inclined to give my children names passed down from our family but um, no…practically everyone in my family has a resume-safe name. Except my little sister Imani. At the same time, I have no desire in naming my Black child Heather, Sarah, Kathleen, Miranda or Elizabeth. I do however adore the names Olivia and Charlotte. Not that I’d ever name my daughters those. And I really only love Olivia because of Olivia Benson. Yup.

And one more thing: I don’t think names have to have these strong and powerful meanings. My name means nothing more than “Little Britain”. That’s it. I don’t feel the need of giving my children a “strong” name. I’d much rather give them a name that fits them and pray that they don’t hate me for it down the line. I would hope that they become strong and powerful people whether their names say mean that or not. Know what I mean? Of course these are just my thoughts - I know everyone has different opinions about names. 

Thoughts: I’m in better spirits these days. Not as depressed. I don’t feel so bad for myself. I am more product and have more energy. Nausea still has me feeling hopeless but I’m glad that sometimes I get a bit of normalcy. I’m starting to tell more people. And starting next week, I’ll start doing nicer body pics. Although I’m pretty sure you won’t see any changes for a while. I mean, I did loose 13 lbs in like 6 weeks. I have to gain all of that back and then some before we see any real changes. 

Things To Do Before Next Week: I don’t have any plans. I want to continue light jogging and maybe incorporate some weight lifting through my resistance band. Maybe.   I just want bean to continue to grow and I need those hormones of mine to straighten up. My sanity depends on it. 

Oh - and what’s the big deal about going from 1st trimester to 2nd trimester? Many women report that morning sickness begins to subside around Weeks 12-14 of pregnancy. Aaaand the risk of miscarriage decreases tremendously once the baby bounces into the 2nd tri. It’s also the most popular trimester because your energy comes back and you get to actually enjoy being pregnant. My doula and I are actually planning a 2nd Trimester Celebration spa treatment for the 2 of us. Yes. It is THAT serious.

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Most of today was spent with me not being that nauseous. I ate well too. Got home from work and scrambled myself some eggs.

"I’m not going to throw up," I told myself. I am discovering that a great deal of my food aversions are now "mental". It’s not the food that makes me ill. It’s the thought of eating the food that makes me ill. My mind tells me that I’ll get sick and throw up.

But thanks to my mom, I’ve been trying to be a bit more positive.

So I told myself I would eat those eggs with no problem. I sat down, brought the fork to my mouth and the second the egg hit my tongue, I gagged.

Which had me running to the toilet to throw up for 5 minutes.

Bean clearly has a sense of humor.

And maybe food aversions and morning sickness aren’t so mental. As I type this, my stomach is whirling and I’m heading to the bathroom again to barf.

Good times.